I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
