Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
