Don't make out with my wife yet
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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