Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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