New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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