Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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