Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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