i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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