My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
