Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
