Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Couch. On fire.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
