we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
