I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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