The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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