Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
