Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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