The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
