why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
