After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
