I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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