I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
