Even the bartender felt bad for me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
