she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
