You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
