ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
