Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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