Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
