He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
