my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
