I accidentally burped into my bong.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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