Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
