Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
