i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
