I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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