So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
