Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Alive.
So much puke
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
