Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
