I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
