I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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