I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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