I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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