just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
