When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
