I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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