If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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