Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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