I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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