he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
