That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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