Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
