ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
